Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
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ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Netflix and awkward silence?
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Mood.. 😂
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??