[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
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HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
(by @ZachWeiner )
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh