How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
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You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today