I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
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The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it