Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
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I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
thinking about a very short hotdog
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser