I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
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[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.