Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
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Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
and now we wait
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.