Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
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People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Look at this
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…