The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
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*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
My dad teaching me to drive
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.