I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
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[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.