“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
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Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.