sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
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Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
what are they serving at kfc then???