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I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.