That’s what I call a flat tire
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Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers