The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
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Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.