[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
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By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
This week’s mood.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
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When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
DOOO EEEET
THIS HEADLINE
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”