ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
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Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
My wife has the worst taste in men.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.