Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
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No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…