Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
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Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.