Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
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I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.