It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
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This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.