It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
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Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti