I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
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I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!