Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
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meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
this is the best day of my life
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please