I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
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“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
what’s more important?
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Boom, boom, ching!
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.