You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
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I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Room with a view.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
and this one
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
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Prince
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Duke Ellington
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Steve Earle
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Lorde
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Lady Gaga
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Sir Mix-a-Lot
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME