I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
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Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something