I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
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Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
This fish is cracking me up
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.