Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
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Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
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