I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
You Might Also Like
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces