Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
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deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Breaking news:
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.