when the doctor brings med students into your exam
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Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Jogging has never helped my memory.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT