I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
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*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Ha
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede