Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
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there has never been a better use of this meme
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.