I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
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They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Milk Cube
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade