Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
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I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?