don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
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Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
I love art.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh