[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
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People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
I have two kinds of followers
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
yeah no that’s fair
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again