*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
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It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.