It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
You Might Also Like
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.