GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
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when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Customer is always right