“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
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I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.