OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
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GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
[adds another nod to the conversation]
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH