If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
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*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day