The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
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you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
#JohnTravolta
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie