“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
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I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
#TopTip
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
this is what they would have looked like, though