LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
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– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.