Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
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Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
the three genders
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.