My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
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Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Dammit Chief not again
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
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