Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
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the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Mmmm canned fish.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills